Thursday, February 17, 2011

Single by choice and what it means to me...

I’ve read the article from Tracy McMillian:

My reaction was to just roll my eyes & put the article in “the shyte that’s has nothing to do with me” & continue on my merry way in life. Then I saw another article & the talking heads have been going on & on & on about single women. And a married friend asked me why I'm still single.

So my answer was short & sweet: ‘I’m single by choice’.

‘All you single women say that. What does it mean?’, my married friend asked.

‘To me, it means I’m just not that desperate to have a man. I'm not willing to have a possible relatiohship suffer by settling for less than what I need in a partner.'

I’ll some of ya’ll a moment to let that sink in a bit some of you might not believe such an honest, rational answer from a single Black woman over 35 year old.

Now, singlehood sucks. Being a Black woman & single is like having the plague. Being a single Black woman over 35...might as well give up finding a man & invest in sex toy stocks. But that's not a the truth of being Black, single & over 35, as much as the talking heads want women to believe it & act accordingly so they can cry themselves a river of despair.

The idea of settling down just to have a partner makes many self actualized women run screaming. Oh wait, you never heard of self actualization?

Really good concept that more people should edcuate themselves on…makes me wonder why it’s not thought in high school but that’s another blog post: Basically, it means that once the basic needs are met-food, clothes & shelter-that person can concentrate on other needs/desires that being them fulfillment.

So you have a single woman, say…me. I have the basics covered so as I go through the world in search of a partner, I fulfill desires that I have to reach the full potential of my human self. Take classes, travel, invent the 1st hands free dreadloc re-twister (I really, really wish) but I think you get the point. None of these things negate my search for a partner. If anything, it heightens my value to a potential partner as an asset in their life.

But that’s not what the McMillans & the like seem to think.

They say single woman are shallow, bitchy, too picky or have high standards. Single women are angry from their past relationships that didn't end in marriage. Single women are sluts that fuk any willing & available man. Single women lie or have fake personalites. I call big, funking smelling bullshyte on each.

So shaming woman out of spinsterhood is the thing now? Think that’s going to help us off the shelf?? If anything, it makes singles want to super glue themselves to the damn shelf.

Like many woman that are single by choice, I know my preferences when it comes to men & I stick to them, PERIOD. And I have been called shallow & a bitch many, many times by men, Black men especially. This is how it usually works out in my experience:

I don’t feel men with boobs sexy & don’t want a man with boobs involved. Men are built with pecs, not boobs. Man with boobs approaches me, I politely reject his interest but I’m a bitch or shallow for rejecting the man with boobs because I'm single, Black & single & we should just be happy to be talked to.

Get the fuk outta here!!! I could be mean or hurtful & say what I really think of being approached by a guy with tits bigger than mine but I don’t; I’m polite, I have manners & use them every day. But as a single woman, a Black single woman at that, I’m suppose to feel grateful that some guy with a pair of DD shows interest in me?? Again, get the fuk outta here!!!!

What some of these talking heads seem to forget is everybody has preferences or standards. Some single women have realistic standards (yes, realistic standards…you didn’t read it wrong…it does happen) & won’t stray from that because they know, most likely from experience, that the possibility of settling below that standard won’t make for a good, long term relationship.

What’s a realistic standard? The man boob story says I like fit men, not fat or obese men but fit-as in non gluttonous or unhealthy. Here’s a few more off my own list:

• Gainfully employed in some way. Either as an entrepreneur or city working sanitation, it’s called again, gainfully employed.
• A good sense of personal style. (I hate having to re-dress a man. Dressing myself is a damn nightmare then I have to dress a man? Come on, Son.)
• Intelligent & not just book smart but practical knowledge of various current & past topics/events so the guy doesn’t have to google every word out my mouth.
• Have & show feelings like compassion, consideration, generosity, tolerance. The brooding, silent male types I have no patience for. My usual reaction is to pull up a box & scream-‘Pull the stick out your ass & be a human being!’
• Knows their self worth. When a man knows he’s the shyte & by his actions shows he’s the shyte, (without being shallow, needy or a complete asshole)the confidence of his character(not swagger) makes me point at him & say ‘that’s the shyte I need in my life & what do I have to do to make it happen?!?!’

Still giving me the side eye look? Well how about this: would you rather be single ‘doing you’ & getting yourself ready for a partner or involved with a man you don’t like/aren’t sexually attracted to because he’s not your type/treats you poorly by bashing your self worth at every turn/ isn’t attentive to you or your desires/makes you miserable with his cheating, abuse, etc?

How many times have married or non-single women come crying their blues to their single girlfriend(s) about how their man treated them so badly or caused them a sleepless night by acting like a complete ass just to have to the same woman go back to the worthless ass because they don’t want to be alone??

Or better yet, how many times have a married or non-single women have run to their single friends, laughing & proud, about how they just schemed or abused the man in their life in some way to get what they wanted & that the guy would never leave her??

Naw, I’m worth more than that. The man I’d want in my life is worth more than that.

1 comment:

  1. I completely agree with you. Although I'm a man, I still appreciate the fact that all people, both men and women, should be happy with themselves - their real selves - and if someone great happens to come along, all the better. But seeking out a partner, just to feel "complete" is utter bullsh!t. I think the reason a lot of people in relationships smack on single people, especially single women over 35, is because they're trying to justify [to themselves] being in a relationship with someone they don't care about/aren't attracted to, simply because society says they should.