Thursday, February 17, 2011

Single by choice and what it means to me...











I’ve read the article from Tracy McMillian: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html-

My reaction was to just roll my eyes & put the article in “the shyte that’s has nothing to do with me” & continue on my merry way in life. Then I saw another article & the talking heads have been going on & on & on about single women. And a married friend asked me why I'm still single.

So my answer was short & sweet: ‘I’m single by choice’.

‘All you single women say that. What does it mean?’, my married friend asked.

‘To me, it means I’m just not that desperate to have a man. I'm not willing to have a possible relatiohship suffer by settling for less than what I need in a partner.'

I’ll some of ya’ll a moment to let that sink in a bit some of you might not believe such an honest, rational answer from a single Black woman over 35 year old.

Now, singlehood sucks. Being a Black woman & single is like having the plague. Being a single Black woman over 35...might as well give up finding a man & invest in sex toy stocks. But that's not a the truth of being Black, single & over 35, as much as the talking heads want women to believe it & act accordingly so they can cry themselves a river of despair.

The idea of settling down just to have a partner makes many self actualized women run screaming. Oh wait, you never heard of self actualization? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization

Really good concept that more people should edcuate themselves on…makes me wonder why it’s not thought in high school but that’s another blog post: Basically, it means that once the basic needs are met-food, clothes & shelter-that person can concentrate on other needs/desires that being them fulfillment.

So you have a single woman, say…me. I have the basics covered so as I go through the world in search of a partner, I fulfill desires that I have to reach the full potential of my human self. Take classes, travel, invent the 1st hands free dreadloc re-twister (I really, really wish) but I think you get the point. None of these things negate my search for a partner. If anything, it heightens my value to a potential partner as an asset in their life.

But that’s not what the McMillans & the like seem to think.

They say single woman are shallow, bitchy, too picky or have high standards. Single women are angry from their past relationships that didn't end in marriage. Single women are sluts that fuk any willing & available man. Single women lie or have fake personalites. I call big, funking smelling bullshyte on each.

So shaming woman out of spinsterhood is the thing now? Think that’s going to help us off the shelf?? If anything, it makes singles want to super glue themselves to the damn shelf.

Like many woman that are single by choice, I know my preferences when it comes to men & I stick to them, PERIOD. And I have been called shallow & a bitch many, many times by men, Black men especially. This is how it usually works out in my experience:

I don’t feel men with boobs sexy & don’t want a man with boobs involved. Men are built with pecs, not boobs. Man with boobs approaches me, I politely reject his interest but I’m a bitch or shallow for rejecting the man with boobs because I'm single, Black & single & we should just be happy to be talked to.

Get the fuk outta here!!! I could be mean or hurtful & say what I really think of being approached by a guy with tits bigger than mine but I don’t; I’m polite, I have manners & use them every day. But as a single woman, a Black single woman at that, I’m suppose to feel grateful that some guy with a pair of DD shows interest in me?? Again, get the fuk outta here!!!!

What some of these talking heads seem to forget is everybody has preferences or standards. Some single women have realistic standards (yes, realistic standards…you didn’t read it wrong…it does happen) & won’t stray from that because they know, most likely from experience, that the possibility of settling below that standard won’t make for a good, long term relationship.

What’s a realistic standard? The man boob story says I like fit men, not fat or obese men but fit-as in non gluttonous or unhealthy. Here’s a few more off my own list:

• Gainfully employed in some way. Either as an entrepreneur or city working sanitation, it’s called again, gainfully employed.
• A good sense of personal style. (I hate having to re-dress a man. Dressing myself is a damn nightmare then I have to dress a man? Come on, Son.)
• Intelligent & not just book smart but practical knowledge of various current & past topics/events so the guy doesn’t have to google every word out my mouth.
• Have & show feelings like compassion, consideration, generosity, tolerance. The brooding, silent male types I have no patience for. My usual reaction is to pull up a box & scream-‘Pull the stick out your ass & be a human being!’
• Knows their self worth. When a man knows he’s the shyte & by his actions shows he’s the shyte, (without being shallow, needy or a complete asshole)the confidence of his character(not swagger) makes me point at him & say ‘that’s the shyte I need in my life & what do I have to do to make it happen?!?!’

Still giving me the side eye look? Well how about this: would you rather be single ‘doing you’ & getting yourself ready for a partner or involved with a man you don’t like/aren’t sexually attracted to because he’s not your type/treats you poorly by bashing your self worth at every turn/ isn’t attentive to you or your desires/makes you miserable with his cheating, abuse, etc?

How many times have married or non-single women come crying their blues to their single girlfriend(s) about how their man treated them so badly or caused them a sleepless night by acting like a complete ass just to have to the same woman go back to the worthless ass because they don’t want to be alone??

Or better yet, how many times have a married or non-single women have run to their single friends, laughing & proud, about how they just schemed or abused the man in their life in some way to get what they wanted & that the guy would never leave her??

Naw, I’m worth more than that. The man I’d want in my life is worth more than that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Stay the heck outta my womb!!!




Right off the back, I’m pro-choice. Yes, I said pro-choice. I like having reproductive right in this country. And being a woman of mixed heritage-Indigenous Indian, American Black & Bermudian Black, any type of government involvement where my body is concerned makes me very, very hostile.

As for my views on abortion, I don’t have any. To me, it’s between The Most High God (by whatever name you call It) & the couple making the choice, PERIOD. Costs & whether or not it’s morally right means nothing to me because it’s not my choice to make & I don’t want to influence anyone on such a personal choice, PERIOD.

So I finally read the HR #3 bill. If you haven’t yet, here’s the summary. It can be found on http://www.opencongress.org/bill/all

Official Summary
1/3/2011--Introduced.No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act - Prohibits the expenditure of funds authorized or appropriated by federal law or funds in any trust fund to which funds are authorized or appropriated by federal law (federal funds) for any abortion. Prohibits federal funds from being used for any health benefits coverage that includes coverage of abortion. (Currently, federal funds cannot be used for abortion services and plans receiving federal funds must keep federal funds segregated from any funds for abortion services.) Disallows any tax benefits for amounts paid or incurred for an abortion or for a health benefits plan that includes coverage of abortion, including any medical deduction for such amounts or any credit for such an employer-sponsored plan. Prohibits the inclusion of abortion in any health care service furnished by a federal or District of Columbia health care facility or by any physician or other individual employed by the federal government or the District. Provides that such prohibitions shall not apply to an abortion if:
(1) the pregnancy is the result of forcible rape or, if the pregnant woman is a minor, incest; or
(2) the woman suffers from a physical disorder, injury, or illness, including a life-endangering physical condition caused by or arising from the pregnancy itself, that would place her in danger of death unless an abortion is performed, as certified by a physician. Makes such prohibitions applicable to District funds. Creates a cause of action for any violations of the abortion provisions of PPACA. Gives federal courts jurisdiction to prevent and redress actual or threatened violations of such provisions by issuing any form of legal or equitable relief, including an injunction or order preventing the disbursement of all or a portion of federal financial assistance until the prohibited conduct has ceased. Gives standing to institute an action to affected health care entities and the Attorney General. Requires the Secretary of Health and Human Services to designate the Director of the Office for Civil Rights of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) to receive, investigate, and refer to the appropriate federal agency complaints alleging a violation of PPACA abortion provisions.

Now, from what I’m reading, they, those that proposed the bill, don’t want federal funds to pay for abortions. Oh, suddenly people worry about the tax payers money. Why did I have to fund a war for the 8 long ass years under Bush Jr.?? I sure as hell didn’t want to go to war with some little country. No national debate on that now was there?? (Sorry, back to point…) Funding abortions with tax payer money…current stats of abortion from the Census Bureau-http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2011/tables/11s0099.pdf

Looking at the stats, seems abortions are going down. White women still get more abortions than Black women & other nonwhite women so why the bill in the 1st place? Are the newly elected government officials really concerned about tax payer money or is it lobbyists? Well, here’s where the money trail...

Interests that support this bill:
• Christian Conservative
• Republican/Conservative
• Abortion policy/Pro-Life
• Churches, clergy & religious organizations
Top recipients for ALL supporting interest groups
Name Amount Received Vote On Passage
Rep. Addison Wilson [R, SC-2]
$201,581
Rep. Michele Bachmann [R, MN-6]
$166,372
Rep. Tom Graves [R, GA-9]
$151,518
Rep. William Owens [D, NY-23]
$138,067
Rep. Allen West [R, FL-22]
$120,766
Rep. Paul Broun [R, GA-10]
$110,267
Rep. Tim Huelskamp [R, KS-1]
$93,158
Rep. Jeff Duncan [R, SC-3]
$79,047
Rep. Tom McClintock [R, CA-4]
$72,637
Rep. Ken Calvert [R, CA-44]
$68,412

Sen. Patrick Toomey [R, PA]
$944,539
Sen. Scott Brown [R, MA]
$794,473
Sen. Harry Reid [D, NV]
$445,721
Sen. Marco Rubio [R, FL]
$442,274
Sen. Jim DeMint [R, SC]
$236,207
Sen. John Thune [R, SD]
$172,377
Sen. Robert Portman [R, OH]
$166,501
Sen. Mark Kirk [R, IL]
$115,250
Sen. John McCain [R, AZ]
$107,582
Sen. Thomas Coburn [R, OK]
$103,406
Specific Organizations Supporting H.R.3
• American Family Association
• National Right to Life Committee
• Susan B. Anthony List
• Family Research Council
• Priests for Life
• United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
• Concerned Women for America
• Latino Partnership for Conservative Principles
Interests that oppose this bill:
• Democratic/Liberal
• Women's issues
• Abortion policy/Pro-Choice
Top recipients for ALL opposing interest groups
Name Amount Received
Rep. William Owens [D, NY-23]
$301,859
Rep. Chellie Pingree [D, ME-1]
$203,450
Rep. Gary Peters [D, MI-9]
$157,620
Rep. Allyson Schwartz [D, PA-13]
$148,850
Rep. Judy Chu [D, CA-32]
$134,441
Rep. Niki Tsongas [D, MA-5]
$128,950
Rep. Kurt Schrader [D, OR-5]
$102,750
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords [D, AZ-8]
$91,500
Rep. Terri Sewell [D, AL-7]
$90,161
Rep. Martin Heinrich [D, NM-1]
$74,313

Sen. Michael Bennet [D, CO]
$1,245,694
Sen. Barbara Boxer [D, CA]
$554,202
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand [D, NY]
$490,273
Sen. Patty Murray [D, WA]
$252,549
Sen. Chris Coons [D, DE]
$203,600
Sen. Richard Blumenthal [D, CT]
$128,699
Sen. Scott Brown [R, MA]
$117,133
Sen. Harry Reid [D, NV]
$100,965
Sen. Al Franken [D, MN]
$89,972
Sen. Charles Schumer [D, NY]
$82,925
Specific Organizations Opposing H.R.3
• National Asian Pacific American Women's Forum
• Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice
• Planned Parenthood Action
• NARAL Pro-Choice America
• National Council of Jewish Women
• Reproductive Health Technologies Project
• National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health
• Catholics for Choice
• American Civil Liberties Union
http://www.opencongress.org/bill/112-h3/money

Just by who's paying who, you can see were the lines are drawn. But at what cost to women? Don't we have say about what happens to our bodies & our taxes? Where's the public debate?? And really, what's next to unfunded?

During the Bush Jr. terms, agencies that give aid to foreign countries weren’t allowed give out information about family planning or abortions. For those that don’t know, family planning is birth control; you know condoms, IUD, etc. In some of those same countries, marriages for girls started as young as 12 yrs old & they were having babies. In some of those same countries, women were being raped & killed by the those in power. Is that fair or even humane?? And it seems those that sponsor the bill want US women taxpayer to have the same limitiation on their rights...I don't think so.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Question that flipped my safety off...



“Why don’t you have anymore children??” “It’s such a shame you didn’t have any more children” “You only had 1?”

About to graduate high school, was accepted to a 4 year college in North Carolina, I had a son at 18. Young & just didn’t know condoms came in different sizes. Things didn’t go the way I planned after that but I did finish 3 years of college & raised my son with my family behind me. Even with the assistance of my family, it was very hard raising a boy child alone. 19 years later, my son’s in a 2 year college & doing better than I every hoped. He’s brilliant, knows what he wants to become & has a couple side plans open to him if things don’t go as planned. As a single mother, I’m grateful he turned out so well because the odds were against both of us as soon as the condom broke.

So why am I about 2 seconds from flipping of a safety & calling it a day?? “It’s a shame you don’t have anymore kids.” This from a Black woman sitting across from me as I’m about to enroll into college after being out for 18 years. What in the flaming blue hell??? It took 18 years to raise my kid to be a productive, well round person. Now I that I want to earn my degree, you have to ovum to question me why I didn’t have anymore kids?!! You're so happy with your 3 kids & being a single mom you're recruiting??!!

It wouldn’t be so bad if I was an isolated incident. But it happens so much I’m wondering if I should have a fake baby bump in my purse or something. At the job, on the street, meeting people, the extended family...”Why didn’t you have another baby?”

19 years have gone by, I’m 37 now & I still get asked the question, even by people that know me. Is it so hard that believe that a Black woman doesn’t want to have another kid after an experience of raising a kid alone?? I’m single by choice & because of that choice, I don’t want to have another baby unless I'm married or have a contract with a man that outlines what duties we have in our relationship & to any children in said relationship. (No, that’s not a marriage but it’s contract, legal & binding.) And even with that answer, I still get asked why or told what a shame is was that didn’t have another kid. Or my favorite guilt the mom statement-“Oh, your son must have been lonely as the only child.”

I only get these questions from Black folks. Young, elderly, working, non working...Black folks ask the question. I've never had a nonBlack person ask me about my now childless status...maybe their not that nosy?? Maybe they see the logic of not having any children unless you're partnered with someone??

With the numbers of STD increasing within the Black community & out of wedlock births that seem to fill Maury/Springer type shows, you would think that I'd be get points for not having another kid. No...I get comments like, "You're getting older, you should have a baby". Like having a baby at my age with all the new tech is going to be a walk in the park. WTF!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Using the tech...

Well, I just figured out that I can blog via my phone. Cool!!! So will be posting on the road...may the Gods have mercy on my fingers...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bipartisan...how's that working for you??


President Obama extended to Bush Jr. era tax cuts. It saddens me greatly as an independant voter & one of the working poor. But unemployment benefits have been extended to millions of Americans who haven't had a job since Bush Jr. left office. That's a good thing but why do I feel I've been sodomized again?? Hhhhmmm...didn't the GOP have President Obama by the balls before?? No off shore drilling & drilling in protected areas then President Obama had to allow it for alternative energy bills to pass. Then B&P had on leak. The GOP didn't claim that since they caused it. So the President wants to be fair, wants both parties to work together for the good of the country after 8 years of GOP rule, which bankrupted the US. Oh, wait, some folks want things their way. Nevermind the citizens of the country, they want their country back because government has run amok. Really? I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't working & living check to check just to survive. But thanks for looking out for my interests, since you never asked what those interests are, assholes!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Things I’ve learned as a woman after 37 years…

I’ve learned many things at 37 & know that I’m going to learn even more as get older.

Any heel higher than 4 inches equals pain or surgery. I can walk & dance in a pair of pumps. High heels aren’t good for the feet long term. Believe me or talk to your doctor, they’ll tell you the truth.

Know your bra & size. The right bra for the right boobs works wonders not only for your back but your self esteem. Even us small breast chics need a proper bra. Get sized & get new bra every 6 months if you can.

Have your own condoms. Your sexual health should never be entrusted to anyone but yourself. Many condoms have spermicides & lube that may screw with a woman’s Ph. And if a woman’s Ph is off, it can lead to yeast infections. So know your brand & stick to it.

Sexy is attitude, not clothes. I don’t & never had worn tight clothes to feel sexy. I look fierce in a pair of sweats & a head wrap & I’ve gotten enough compliments to know.

Take up a martial art. Every woman has horror stories about sexual assault. Not saying knowing a martial art will keep you from getting attacked but it does set the mind right for self defense when you need to rip someone other hole.

Drink water. Put down the regular & diet sodas, regular & diet juices & anything else coming out of a can or bottle that’s not water. It’s not only keeping add to your weight, it’s messing with your skin too.

Don’t settle for a partner. No one wants to be alone. But no one wants to go to jail for knocking some fools head off either. All I’ve heard recently is how Black women need to lower their standards for partners or our standards are too high. Considering I don’t date thugs, players, rappers, high profile athletes or actors, gangsters or wanna be gangsters, any male that uses ebonics as their 1st language, has a history of violence or mental illness or is unable to fend for themselves daily, I know my standards are reasonable. Has this, makes that, etc isn’t in my program. I’m more concerned on a man character & self rescept.

If you not happy with you, you’ll never be happy. Self contentment isn’t about just being ok or liking what you have. It’s about knowing that whatever stage in life you’re at, you’re happy, content. You could be a graduate student, working a crappy job or a Customer Service rep with a husband & no kids: be happy. Whatever you’re doing to improve yourself is a great, just don’t loss sight of your happiness.

Compromise isn’t a bad thing. We all have our principles on how things should be or be done. And that’s fine. But we live in a world with people who think the same thing. It’s best to be able to compromise than fight all the time.

Sex is better as you age. You know your body & how it works. You know what's good for it & what's bad. No fumbling around or worrying about what the other person thinks: you know. And you can use that knowledge like a champ!

Men are not simple creatures. Whoever told that lie might have been right back in the 60’s or 70’s but in 2010, men aren’t simple. They’re people with needs, desires, expectations & issues that can make or break them. They not just happy with easy sex or cooking to keep them satisfied. (Many men that cook are better cooks than women. My son 19 year old is a perfect example. Boy shames me in the kitchen) Men are multifaceted like women & everyone else on the planet. If you think otherwise, you’re in for a reality check.

Jump offs, side jawns/piece & other titles are used by kids. Grown people have lovers. They appreciate & trust their lovers enough to get naked with them & have at it. They respect them enough to keep whatever’s done in their own bedrooms to themselves. Grown folks know that they might not be the others one & only but since they’re grown, they have other options. Grown folks know boundaries & limits of the grown folk relationships.

Make up is the enemy. I have oily sensitive skin. Over the years, I’ve tried MAC(turned me red), Clinque(turned me white), Perspectives($$$$), Origins($$$), Avon(never had my shade), Mary Kay(broke me out) & Almay(manikin skin). I’ve learned for me, natural is best & really don’t want to try anymore make up. I keep my face clean & use a matte no-oil moistener, some dark lip stick or gloss & I’m done. Also, my dermatologist told me that make up does cause wrinkles whether you wear it all day & clean it off completely. Also, I hate make up on my clothes.

Say no, mean no & back up that no if you have to. Some women can say no & be talked into something. Be firm with your no so you don’t complain about doing something you didn’t want to do in the first place.

Date your age. I’m 37. I’m not going to date a 24 year old man because he’s young & fun. I have standards & needs that a 24 year old might not understand or care about. I won’t date a 50 year old man because that’s too old for me & he might not be able to keep up. I try to date my age range because it’s nice not having to explain what the 80’s were like to someone who wasn’t even born yet.

Don’t shyte where you eat. Interoffice relationships are a no-no to me. Nothing stays quiet in an office setting & people are nosy. I’m not willing to lose my paycheck on the possibility of love or a good sticking because some jackass hates our relationship or somebody just can’t leave well enough alone.

Size really doesn’t matter. Everyone has a preference as to what’s attractive to them...I do too. But at the end of the day, it’s not the size, height or package, it’s the performance, how that works to it’s best ability. I’m 5 ft, 7 in & short guys(short to me 5ft 5in on a guy) love me. And since I know where their height went, I love’em too.

Hip hop’s not dead. It got hijacked by youngsters.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

End of the Show it All Summer, 2010

Summer is my favorite season. Water ice, ice cream I’m not suppose to eat but do, bbq’s, block parties, festivals, reconnecting with old friends & meeting new people are just a few of the hallmarks of summer. And now that it’s winding down, the kids are back in class & my eczema is starting to flare up, I’ll miss summer but it’s a bittersweet feeling. All summer, the hottest trend seemed to be nekked. Not naked, as is to be without clothes. Nekked as in body parts are shown to the world.

I can’t say that I’m a prude & think all folks need to be running around completely covered while there a week long heat wave. But if you’re a size 14 wearing a size 6 short short, that’s just plain wrong.

What is wrong with some women these days??? Sexy used to mean alluring or daring. Not crass or nasty. What happened?? What changed?? Woman’s fashion has changed but what I see in the streets, I don’t see on the runways.